Whole Foods Worker's Amazing Resignation Email: 'You're a faux hippy Wal-Mart'

Most of us have whiled away the hours at a terrible job, imagining how we would quit if today were Do-Over Day, and there were absolutely no consequences for lighting our paperwork on fire and toasting marshmallows over it. One Whole Foods worker has achieved in real life what we only dream of. (The quitting. Not the marshmallows.)

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In his resignation letter, the unnamed employee calls out the store for being, in his opinion, a "faux-hippy Wal-Mart" that goes against its own core values and sacrifices quality for a better bottom line.

That's the short version. The long version, which you can read here, goes on for thousands of words and calls out at least 20 separate issues of potential corporate hypocrisy, as well as several of the author's former coworkers for their role in his disillusionment with his job. Gawker's Seth Abramovitch redacted the names of the employees and the author in its coverage of the letter, and also edited the piece for length and to remove, quote, "certain boring passages about wholesale prune purchasing."

Here's a highlight, directed at a former coworker:

"You win a lot of awards in my book. Best at being a chauvinist. Least likely to realize he's about to walk into someone. ...Best at ruining the entire meat department vicinity by blasting terrible music. Do you ever think about the people around you? By the way, how did you manage to spit on the back hallway's floor with your head so far up your a**? I guess I can at least forgive you for never learning employee's names because of that. It's probably difficult to hear up there."

It's all pretty hilarious, but as Abramovitch points out, "for every compelling point our writer makes, there's one that hurts his credibility. For example, on the subject of promptness, he writes, 'Oh, you actually think being 20 minutes late matters?' Yes, actually, I do."

If you really need to quit, it's always wiser not to succumb to the temptation to compose a novel about your complaints. Witness the brevity of Whole Foods' response to the Daily Mail's inquiry about the email: "We disagree with this former team member's statements, and we wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors."

Fortunately, not everyone is wise. Otherwise, what would the rest of us do for reading material, while negotiating the finer points of prune purchasing?

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