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Take Note, Kanye West: These 3 Jobs Should Totally Exist (and Pay $1 Billion)

If you spend any time on Twitter – or anywhere online – you probably know that Kanye West recently asked Mark Zuckerberg for a billion-dollar investment in "Kanye West ideas." Jimmy Kimmel pointed out the most obvious flaw in this plan, which is that it's not such a great idea to pitch the inventor of Facebook on Twitter, but there's another small fly in the ointment, as well: from an investment perspective, Kanye appears to be saying that Yeezy Industries is worth more than Snapchat's $486 million funding round, one of the highest in history. And, needless to say, there are no jobs that pay $1 billion year. But maybe there should be.

If you spend any time on Twitter – or anywhere online – you probably know that Kanye West recently asked Mark Zuckerberg for a billion-dollar investment in “Kanye West ideas.” Jimmy Kimmel pointed out the most obvious flaw in this plan, which is that it’s not such a great idea to pitch the inventor of Facebook on Twitter, but there’s another small fly in the ointment, as well: from an investment perspective, Kanye appears to be saying that Yeezy Industries is worth more than Snapchat’s $486 million funding round, one of the highest in history. And, needless to say, there are no jobs that pay $1 billion year. But maybe there should be.

yeezus 

(Photo Credit: Peter Hutchins/Flickr)

For example: 

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1. Head Dreamer.

Silicon Valley fans will be familiar this position, held by the awesomely named Nelson “Big Head” Bighetti. What does a Head Dreamer do? We’ll let Hooli’s Chief Innovation Officer, Gavin Belson, explain. (With a little help from Wired):

“Magellan circumnavigating the globe was a moonshot,” Belson said, “Alan Turing breaking the Enigma cipher was a moonshot … no idea will be too big for our newest division.”

Sounds like a Kanye-sized job, right? Plus, if a Head Dreamer really could literally chart unknown waters and/or break a cipher and save the world, he or she would be worth every penny of Zuckerberg’s billion. Better yet, there’s even some real-life precedent for crazy titles like this. Just try to figure out the day-to-day job duties of a Digital Prophet, a Data Alchemist, or a Director of First Impressions. (Research, analyze data, and greet guests, respectively. Thanks, BuzzFeed.)

Of course, there are generally two reasons for wacky job titles like this one: to inflate the grandeur of the person holding the title in question, or to cover up the fact that said title-holder is doing a whole lot of nothing. Either way, sounds like a great gig if you can get it.

Closest real-life equivalents: Provided we’re talking about a genuine role and not a Silicon Valley nothing-job, this could have aspects of jobs like Chief Product Officer (median annual salary: $177,371), a Chief Information Officer (median annual salary: $149,730), or a Chief Technology Officer (median annual salary: $149,978). It’s got to be C-level, regardless. Great salaries, but not quite what Kanye was hoping for.

2. Professional Self-Esteem Booster.

Kanye definitely does not need help with this, but couldn’t the rest of us? Imagine a co-worker whose sole job it was to make you believe in yourself whenever your confidence started to fade.

“You looked like a god at that PowerPoint presentation,” they’d assure you. “You’re the best in the game, in terms of mid-level marketing executives. Also, buy Tidal, whatever that is.”

OK, maybe that would get old pretty quick. But if someone could actually boost your self-esteem, that would be amazing. Think about how much time you could save, wrestling with impostor syndrome and second-guessing your career choices. What could you do, if you could get out of your own way?

It turns out, there is a similar role in real life, but you probably don’t have one in your office….

Closest real-life equivalent: Psychologist: median salary, $70,649.

3. Office Mom/Dad.

If you have a passive-aggressive co-worker, you probably have seen the signs over the sink or on the fridge: CLEAN UP YOUR MESS. YOUR MOTHER DOESN’T WORK HERE. But wouldn’t it be awesome if she did?

Busy professionals could use someone to make them healthy lunches (and cupcakes for their birthday) and keep everything working smoothly and everyone working happily. In reality, of course, this role does exist in most offices, on an informal basis, and it’s almost always women who do it.

There’s probably a zero percent chance that Kanye would ever want a job like this, but make no mistake: if any gig is worth a billion dollars, it’s this one. Instead, many female workers get stuck doing it for free, and on top of their regular duties.

Closest real-life equivalent: Office Manager: median annual salary, $43,485. And if yours is female, as PayScale data show 93 percent of office managers are, you probably already notice that she’s getting stuck with a lot of extra party planning, ego soothing, and food preparation that aren’t strictly part of her job description.

Tell Us What You Think

What would you add to this list? We want to hear from you! Leave a comment or join the discussion on Twitter.

Jen Hubley Luckwaldt
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